Crazy Tennis Parent Syndrome
I didn’t do it. So you’re going to do it for me.
Said the crazy tennis parent to their child.
Crazy Tennis Parent Syndrome is real and affects at least 1 in every 5 parents of above average tennis players.
The illness, which has no known cure, tends to emerge most noticeably in parents when children reach the ages of around nine-to-ten years old.
It manifests itself in consistent and belligerent verbal abuse whilst spectating the tennis matches of their young children. Arguing with prepubescent children over line calls is also quite common.
In extreme cases, sufferers of Crazy Tennis Parent Syndrome make exorbitant investments in the careers of their below-average juvenile children, into overpaid private coaches and international tennis camps.
“My son will grow up to be the next Andre Agassi” said Craig Dawson, a fifty-three year old from Sydney’s North Shore who claims to have ranked in the ATP men’s top 500 back in the day.
His son, ‘Andre-Agassi Dawson’ is seven years old, and hates tennis. Andre is recovering from major back surgery due to a crippling case of scoliosis, which is suspected to be a factor in his distaste for the socially isolating and poorly remunerating sport.
“He doesn’t know what’s best for him” said Dawson, chest puffed out in defiance, “I do”.
People like Craig are incredibly at-risk of Crazy Tennis Parent Syndrome when they are has-been’s or underperformed in their own failed tennis careers.
Another cluster of cases is linked solely to financial incentives – with low-earning parents who hope to prosper financially off their children’s future success – much alike a horse breeder.
“Little Andre’s going to be a real money-churner” Dawson says, at a break in one of his son’s games after reducing one of his son’s seven-year-old opponents to tears from behind the fence “and will be a big help paying off the mortgage”.
Whilst there is no known cure, doctors are encouraging sufferers of CTP Syndrome to do what is called “Mirror Therapy”.
“Parents are encouraged to find a suitable body-length mirror and take a long, hard look at themselves” said Dr. Wehbe, Head Researcher from the Hound Dogs’ Institute of Curious Social Diseases.
“Whilst this is not a panacea, this has been found to reduce symptoms by up to 50%”
“This is important as CTP Syndrome is hereditary”.
The Hound Dogs Institute of Curious Social Diseases encourages sufferers of Crazy Tennis Parent Syndrome to quote ‘get their own life’, ‘stop living in the past’ and ‘let their children develop into their own person’.
For your pleasure: The 5 Worst Tennis Fathers Of All Time